musings on family and relationships

This was largely written on the plane from Raleigh to San Diego.

*****

First of all I want to express my admiration for the humor and irony God brings me. The last time I went on a business trip I went to India. I went on a journey of self-exploration as much as anything. I brought several books by M. Scott Peck and learned a lot about spirituality, differing cultures, privilege, risk, and a host of other things.

God’s doing it again.

As the plane reaches cruising altitude between Cincinnati and San Diego, the flight attendants announce the movie we will be watching. Now usually if I’m on a plane the movie isn’t too interesting. I’m thinking Herbie Fully Loaded here, although this was before Lindsay Lohan went anorexic so there was some definite entertainment value. Will Ferrell was good in the soccer movie with Robert Duvall. On a flight form India you’ll do anything to alleviate the boredom. Luckily I’m not quite that desperate this time and feel like I can pass on the E! True Hollywood Story on Simon Cowell coming in 25 minutes.

This is actually a movie I wanted to see and was shocked to see an art film such as this on a transcontinental flight. So I decide to watch.

The movie happens to be about a dysfunctional family, grief, and handling tragedy. More than that, there are undertones of looking for faults, placing blame, and character assassinations in family dynamics. And there is a constant reminder that people are endlessly complex and subject to change without notice. This last theme of the movie stuck with me a while. Getting to know someone who you have characterized or stereotyped softens ones perception. There is always something brewing under the surface that perhaps goes unsaid.

(From a movie reviewer standpoint, I recognize it as a great movie, an instructional movie, but not one that will make my favorite list. This despite how good it is, how wonderful the acting, and how I will root for it at award time.)

What blew me away was the setting. Buckingham Palace. I did not expect to find such profound wisdom about the nature of people and family in The Queen with Helen Mirren. I had heard Mirren’s performance hyped so much (deservedly so) that my expectations were of a sort-of biopic around the Queen at the time of Diana’s passing. That the screenwriter was able to intertwine so many lessons about people and family into such a story was mesmerizing.

Lessons to consider for now:

1. People are complex. Duh. But we forget this about people we stereotype. The Queen. Diana. We just celebrated MLK on his birthday. He had flaws. He also represented more than civil rights but also advocacy for class equity and against Vietnam.

But I ask myself: Whom in my life have I stereotyped? Do I treat anyone as simple? They are all wonderfully complex.

I have a hard time with stereotypes at times because I want to have high expectations for the people in my life, at my job, and in the things I do on the side. I know I’ve done it at my last job, people I have known that have hurt me in the past. I confess to have struggled with this towards males from India. The cultural boundaries and job expectations make this especially difficult in the field of computers and software, where outsourcing is beyond commonplace.

But do I do this with people I’m closer to? What about a label? A generalization? Isn’t that the same thing as a stereotype, some kind of preconceived notion of action?

This is not to say one shouldn’t establish boundaries and invite harmful people into ones life, embracing everyone's complexities, attemping to redefine all stereotypes. I think part of the issue is whether we should cut people off suddenly when they disappoint when in fact they are just people, complex and idiosyncratic.

2. For a portion of the movie there is excitement over a 14-point stag that roams the royal estate. The Queen sees it and is wonderfully struck by the beauty of such a large animal. Ultimately the stag is killed on a neighboring estate. The Queen takes the time to go admire the prize after the hunt. The stag was wounded and was tracked for miles before finally being killed.

Who is the hunted and who is the hunter in the story? Diana by the paparazzi? Diana by the royal family? The public that blames the Queen? Tony Blair who pushes the Queen to respond to the public? Tradition by modernity? Did the royal family wound Diana and the paparazzi (or public) finish the job by tracking her?

The Queen I think realized something by admiring the beauty of the stag (and keep in mind I’m not against hunting for sport or game or food, but in the context of the story it is a powerful metaphor). Do we really need to hunt? Why the need for character assassinations? People are who they are. And as Po Bronson has already taught me, they are beautiful that way.

A book I brought along with me is Why Do I Love These People? by Po Bronson. I love the title. The love of our family primarily is assumed, not questioned. The title isn’t Why Should I Love These People? We are all complex, difficult, simple, and contradictory. I believe God revels in this. I believe we revel in the complexities of life. Either I have forgotten or haven’t fully appreciated to do this with others.

Perhaps I’ll figure out where to go with some of this as the week goes on. I’m just trying to figure out why the business trip of all things for spiritual journeys.